Sunday, September 18, 2005

The Ark Ate My Homework

Today I talked to a woman who explained the existence of dinosaurs by claiming they were on the Ark.

In thinking about this, I see a solution to a whole lot of unexplainable phenomenon: we can just put it all on the Ark.

For example, say you've maxed out your credit cards because there wasn't one piece of mass-produced crap that didn't seduce your covetous little heart, and now the creditors are calling day and night. Instead of being responsible and admitting that you let greed be your guiding light...your GOD, shall we say? why not tell your creditors that their money is on the Ark. "Gee, I'd love to pay you, but hey...the Ark took my money."

Or say that your boss is really annoyed with you and threatening to fire you for incompetence, well you can cut short the threat by reminding him or her that you didn't really squander your day away on Minesweeper: your finished and perfectly completed work is stuck on the Ark. "I only set it down for a minute while I was petting the dinosaurs...and the damn Ark set sail! I barely got myself off!"

This could grow into a very convenient bucket. Think of the possibilities! Tired of your spouse? Tell him or her you left your relationship on the Ark. Don't want to take responsibility for that person you ran over? Tell the cop you left your glasses on the Ark.

When seen from such a perspective, I can finally understand that woman's fanatic adherence to her religion. Without it, she and whole lot of other idiots would finally have to take personal responsibility for their own stupidity. "Gee, I'd love to think for myself, but hey...I left my brain on the Ark."

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