Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Zombie Party Candidate

When I first added an Election 2008 section to my cafepress store, I added a spoof section featuring Zombies, Vampires, Bigfoot, and Cthulhu. I never for a minute, well...maybe during some disturbed sleep moment or something...ever imagine it was real. Until Ralph Nader announced he was once again running for President.

I once dated a guy like Nader. I suspect most women have. And like most women I discovered a thing or two about the Ralphie in my past. The first one being is that such men are relatively clueless about anything that takes place outside their heads. They're the kind of men who go to the store and drive off with the coffee cup on the car's roof. They're the kind of men who put up ads on the dating sites with a long list of absolute requirements for their partners, but consider themselves perfect even if they are missing several teeth and never graduated the third grade.

They have these elaborate visions of the world formed from books and discussions and philosophizing, but rarely if ever put in the effort to test out these theories on real world places and people. Nothing can interrupt their fantasies, especially reality. And nothing can challenge them because their egos are so strong, so artificially propped up by words instead of deeds that they actually believe their own myths.

And they have a knack for finding enablers to keep them from ever finding out the truth. Usually these are people with little experience with the real world and are easily taken in by egomaniacs like Nader who paint the dreamland they all want to see. They fail to see they are just pawns in one man's delusional world. They really do believe he can deliver what he envisions because HE believes it.

This ability to see only what they want to see is what allows people like Nader to ignore the effect his run in 2000 had on this country. Unless he is a total moron, he couldn't fail to see how important that election was and how necessary it was to set aside his own ambitions for the greater good. He gave us Bush because as much as he'd like to blame the Supreme Court for it and yes, they did go against the will of the people and install a puppet for their own masters, they would have been unable to do so if the election results weren't so close.

And what made them close? Ralph Nader, the guy who walked into a room, failed to notice there were already conversations going on and because they weren't about him, shit in the middle of the room so everyone would notice him.

And yes, the argument could be made that no one really knew how bad Bush would be as we'd never had anyone so inept, so cruel, so corrupt before. We knew Gore would be a better President because Bush already had a reputation built on years of fucking up everything he was ever part of, whether it was an oil company, a baseball team, or a state.

But the second time? Nader knew how bad things were. He knew we were in a war that only a solid Democratic majority would extract us from. He knew our civil liberties were being stripped away by a lockstep Republican stockade of blackmailed and intimidated sheep who didn't dare confront the Bush-Cheney-Ashcroft-Gonzales Junta or they would find their wide stances all over the evening news. He knew the rampant corruption that was bankrupting every facet of our government. Even the dumbest of Fox News morons knew the country was in trouble.

So what does Nader do? He runs again and revels in the role of spoiler and fails to see why Republicans would give him money or vote for him. He throws his giant tantrum of wanting the world to be exactly how he wants it to be on his own timing and terms or else.

Or else...that's the big part. It's the part that says he has the blood of every one who died in Iraq on his hands since he chose to run for the second time. It's the part that bankrupted American families and threw them out on the street because he wanted to make a statement with his run, just like the statement he made saying there was no difference between Bush and Gore. If that's the kind of judgement he has, if that's the depth of his wisdom and perception, then he would have been an even crappier president than Bush if he won.

And now he's running again which brings me and a lot of women back to the Ralphie days. We were the ones who left Ralphie out of boredom and/or disappointment that his fantasies failed to match our realities. But the one thing those men and Nader have in common is that they would go away for awhile and then out of nowhere, for no logical reason, would call us and act as if we should somehow be honored to hear from them. Most of the time our responses were "Oh yeah, now I remember you and the answer is still I'm busy and will be busy and will continue to be busy when you call, because I'm dating two hunks named Hillary and Barrack. If I have a hard time choosing between them, what makes you think I care that you even exist?"

Go home Ralph. The bar's closed and all the hookers are with other clients. There's nothing here for you.

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