Thursday, February 02, 2012

How to Make Government Work

It used to be, in some parts of the world, if you crossed someone they would stick your head on a pike as a warning to others. In the animal world, all it takes is for one of them to start eating another animal who isn't them and suddenly all its fellow not thems disappear.

This seems like an excellent way to deal with politicians. If we eat a couple of them, the other ones will go away. And in case they still persist in sticking around, we'll have a couple heads to stick on pikes as a warning that we weren't kidding around.

But yeah, as a non-violent person, there's another solution I prefer and that's far more effective. Buy them. That's right. Buy them. It's what lobbyists for corporations and wall street do. They buy them like they buy adult diapers, hookers, and whiskey.

We can have bake sales to raise money. We can also sell our votes like people in Florida did when they had a choice between two rich white men without an ethic to split between them. They chose the one who spent the most money. Surely our votes are worth at least as much as the Florida voter, if not more.

But I have a better idea for them after we've bought them. We'll make them mud wrestle for who gets to write up legislation. And then we'll have one of those Japanese import shows where they have to run a maze with hammers and shit falling on them. The one that gets out the other side first wins the right to have his or her side actually pass the legislation written by the winner of the mud wrestling competition.

And then before it goes to the President for his signature, they have to toast each other with donkey semen and drain the glass.

I think politics would finally start working for the people then.


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